anything but ordinary.

We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don’t.
::Frank A Clark

Sometimes we are so busy with our lives that we forget what it was that we were so busy working towards… or what is worth living for. We try to suffice with giving excuses. ‘im doing this for US.’ Or ‘my future’.. but sometimes, that’s not even what you want. A lot of times, directions change. Its up to people to find that balance again,…. After all, you are your own person. Problems arise, when U reach some kind of obstacle- that blocks you… and u cant get over it..… or sometimes even, you are too busy chasing ‘the future’, that you forget about the present ultimately forgetting about the real reason why you were doing it….

That’s when you turn to something else. Try to find a way to appease themselves and their anxieties… Some people go on vacation—they find relaxing on a white sandy beach just what they needed to invigorate themselves….others go on shopping sprees—feeding there need with materialistic things…others try some other form of physical activities… and Some turn to their faith. They look to God to lead their way. Whatever it is, i find that what works is to make sure its truly right for you. Make sure that your strong, and know yourself enough that you will GET THROUGH whatever obstacles are in your way.

Further, there are a lot of people out there that like to put their opinions on others. If someone is lost in direction, that individual can easily succumb to pressure and do what those people are saying. You just have to be true to yourself. Its hard to do though, sometimes, cuz that means realizing that you are just human, and you cant do everything. Its not failing, its just knowing that it wasn’t meant to be. Or, it just means, to take things one step at a time. Its hard because society now is about getting things done FAST. In the long run, it feels better for you because you did something for yourself. Everything happens for a reason…

There are so many ways to get misguided these days. But, you can weed out the bullshit and find what really works.

That’s why I like marching to my own drumbeat. Sure, its off… sometimes HELLA off… But… I wouldn’t have it any other way. I might do things differently, have my own opinions about things. Learn things my own way. But… that’s just it : its MINE. All mine…

I don’t find it necessary sometimes to waste my breath on people who don’t deserve it. But sometimes, they have to be told. Im sure right now, for every one person who reads this, 2 are beginning to hate on my words. Wait? Why? Is it because you hate the fact that im NOT like YOU? I can probably tell you exactly what your gonna say to try and hurt me and bring me down… and your thinking im gonna change for your words??!

How well do you know me?

not at all!

ur thinking at first glance, Im not socially acceptable to society… im not skinny, and im in debt… not going to school.. and not working. “WHAT? SERIOUS? U depressed unloved lazy bum!!

But, im not. Common misconception…. and NO i dont think im misunderstood, just over judged…… Cuz what you don’t know, is that everything is done for a reason. I care a lot for other people. I made sacrifices to help out my family. I LOVE, unconditionally. I have a health condition that for a normal person, would easily be able to lose weight, but for me I have to work 10x harder. AND hate to disappoint you but I AM LOVED… by a handful of people who accept me for ME….

My only problem is that I can’t love myself… however with each word I type its beginning to change.

I look to a bright future. One that IM GONNA BE HAPPY WITH. Not one that YOU will be happy with. Im gonna make myself proud. Myself.

Its not like your gonna help me anyway, everyone has their own things to deal with.

Im not looking for a sympathy pat… I don’t care. You love me or hate me. But im on the road to learning how to love myself, and im not looking back for other people’s stupidity!

Im tired of feeling embarrassed of being me.

Back to what i was saying… For those people out there, who are doing things that make them happy, you’re already winning…

and for the closeminded- people who like to judge others: one day your gonna fuck up, and your gonna end up at the bottom. and fortunately for you, their are gonna be people who know what its like and help you up again….

stay open minded- humble, and above all thankful.

your lucky to be given the things you already have.

you can never have too much.

i got my packages from i<3readcherry and fredericks!!!!

:) im soo excited about my purchases.

theres something about buying yourself nice underwear that really makes my mood go way up. lol.

off to Mountain House. :) to spend time with my other fams.

that certain something.

i tried decapitating my curling iron to make it into a clipless one. lol. but i failed….it was a no go… i actually got scared cuz its connected to the barrel, so i decided not to take it off….i didnt want to break it.. maybe i should try it on another cheaper curling iron first…lol. maybe… damn youtube with all your bright ideas!! lol. at least i finished making my jeans into a skirt. admittedly, while it lasted it was pretty exciting… NEXT? jewelry making. yep. its all about it now.. but i kind of dont want to spend the money on all the stuff. lol. maybe i should go back to micheals and get side tracked by another hobby!!

so the weekend is almost here!! what to do? what to do?!! its supposed to be HOT too. :( someone remind me why i moved back to all this hot weather? lol. jp…. im supposed to get my lashes from the redcherry sale today. (according to the tracker) and maybe just maybe tomorrow ill finally get my other package!?!

been job searching but been lazy at the same time, next week its definitely on. GYM-JOB SEARCHING- everything. im tired of being this big blob of depression, and failure… no MORE.

oOoOOo. i know maybe mountain house. or bay. either way. :) at least i get a break from this.

risk.

sooo i just got back from helping chard out with his homework…. his teacher wanted him to write about an incident where he basically did something that he never thought he was ever going to do, and how the outcome surprised him… we were talking about topics.. and amazingly enough… i guess im not such a boring person after all.lol…

I know in my life, i’ve been known to ‘march to a different drum’… People i’ve talked tend to comment how ‘unique’ or ‘different’ i am…I think differently, I act weird. Lol.. made as much as a compliment it is, Its also can be taken as a insult…. My life has never been anything ‘typical’ or ‘normal’…. trust me, i know because there have been days where i wish it was…. i know some People do not understand me. I’ve been the one whose been most criticized, most talked about behind my back, and overall, im the original black sheep… (hey somebody had to get that title… might as well be me)

decisions you make dont ultimately give you the right direction, but the thing is you make the decision, and that should be enough for you… worry about the outcome later….

People who really know who i am should be proud. Cuz there are so few, amongst everyone who knows me. I dont think i can ever be normal. Cuz being normal, meant that i have accomplished the obstacles i have been given in my life. sooo, even when everything has settled down…when it comes down to it i wouldve already done many things.

when its needed

today..kuya came over with kat!! :)

it was a really simple day, and it was nice weather.

you really couldnt ask for more…

i got to spend time with my bestie… and mom was happy.

and i learned how to make penny’s thaichili sauce! mmhmm. :)

…anyway. happy sunday!! (lol.. no more bday greetings!! lol)

gaining control..

HAPPY BDAY DREA!!

today i decided to finally do something about my annoyingly messy closet….(all honesty it isnt really messy.. just the clothes are towering over, and i was looking at it and thinking that soo much can be given away….) soo i got rid of helllla clothes… i had tank tops that were fraying, and that i wore to bed.. but i noticed im pretty repetitive when it comes to sleep clothes… so i just threw away any of the tanks ive had for years…(yeah, years!), shirts i dont even reach for anymore, and i even had a dress i NEVER wore. (its too short for anything.. i bought it cuz it was 5 dollars from the original 89 that it was…) and wrote down necessities for fall/winter….

1. long sleeve shirts, blouses..

2. SWEATERS-cardigans—preferably black/ white…. i need a good black cardigan, i keep wearing my gray one.

3. sneakers&socks. (i have no socks and im thinking of starting a sneaker venture… i never understood why guys are soo hooked on this.. but something tells me im gonna get a crash course into buying Nike’s 101.) lol.. its gonna be fun to see life from my bf’s sneaker fetish. :P…. plus hes buying. im down to spend when its with someone elses money.

4.new SOPHISTICATED underwear. lol.. (i dont wanna explain this.. im blushing already at the thought that anyone can be reading this)

i LOVE fall clothes. :) cant wait. in summer time i dress simpler, bcuz i find it easier to be comfortable in hot weather… but in fall, u can wear pretty much anything thanks to california weather. :) its a matter of having a place to wear it too.— therefore, i vote a monthly family reunion??! something to look forward too? yes?

it is always cleansing to go looking through your old stuff, and throw things away… i dont know what it is about it… empowering (shutup i know its corny).. lol. i mean its not like i have anything else to do… speaking of which, i headed over to micheals to get more plastic cases for my jewelry…. then i started looking for a hobby. lol…. they were having a sale on SKETCH PADS.. so i got it for 3.49…… and they clearanced out a charcoal/ sketching set. 14.99 to 2.99! soo im hoping that i got enough inspiration to start drawing again. that and going back to the gym… small steps.

ive been really depressed lately, but my mom’s new medication seems to be working positively. im feeling soo relieved… :) thanks for all you guys’ prayers… everyday is a new day… but, im feeling good about this new treatment… i know that ultimately, everything is in God’s hands, but at least for now, i dont feel hopeless.

when im with you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

--- even though u never read this...

I LOVE YOU.

so today was a good day.

mom had her tres leches cake. yummy.

lol… and she actually liked her gifts and allowed herself to enjoy them. im excited to see her wear them..

:)

in the afternoon we went to church, and bought dinner at the hawaiian bbq place….

i dont understand you sometimes. i wish you would stop being so selfish.

definitely, maybe.

**happy birthday bebe!! :)

i hate hot weather…

but most importantly, i hate hot humid weather.

yeah yeah… a little late now, summer is almost over. lol. i complain too much. bleh.

—anyway, i went shopping for my moms birthday gift. im kind of debating whether or not to decorate the house, i dont think i will..but. probably ill go get her some flowers to put on the table.. something festive… :) to add to the gifts.

sooo mom still is mom. she had her appointment at psychiatric department today. apparently, that didnt go quite as well as planned. but we have yet to know the results…. mom is kind of pissed by it though, she said its a waste of time. interesting change in emotions from yesterday to today….

i got my concealer at sephora today. kind of debating whether or not to return it tho, im not sure if its worth the money? i have a tendency to do that tho, pick things up and then put them down.. but its been harder because no one goes shopping with me anymore, so now i have to make my own decisions. lol.

ok, the bf is calling so im gonna cut this one short.